Sunday, February 21, 2010

&Losing a Buddy

“I’m sorry-“
“There was nothing we could do to remove the bullet. It penetrated his heart-
“Please don’t.”
“… causing internal bleeding and we couldn’t do anything to save him. I’m so sorry for your lost.”
Silence falls over the room as the images of blood and sirens fill my head like a water tank; the pressure overwhelming. What is this feeling I'm feeling right now. The pressures no longer in my head but in my knees, they’re tremble with great force as my life falls apart and I sink down into the floor. All I can feel is this pain; a stinging; a hurting like a plane just crashed into me, a feeling indescribable. The feeling was in my chest. All I can do is hold it while the river runs from my eyes on to the shiny marble tiles supporting my body. Buddy is gone, gone from the world. I look around and I see Alexis in Eddy’s arms tears of hatred streaming as he calls out for his brother, his 10 year old brother. I can’t stand to see the sight so I manage to build up my strength to get back on my feet but then I see his face. I see him running to us arms wide open, screaming “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. See. I'm fine.” I catch him in my arms; hug him until I see his pure white shirt. There's a stain; it starts to expand like water spreading over a dry sponge. The stain expands to blood; Buddy grabs his heart. He falls into my arms once again this time staring into my eyes. I'm back on Draper Street.
The car with its bright eyes breathes heavy smoke as it flies away into the night, collar sprouting the colors of a mad man. “Buddy!” I cry hysterically. “Buddy! Come one, stop playing! Look at me. Eddy call 911, he isnt responding.” My entire world is blank. I hear a mummer and place my ears to his mouth and hear “I’m sorry. I won’t ever come back here. I'm so sorry … please … don’t let me go ….”
“Buddy. I aint gonna let you go. You aint gonna die. Trust and believe. Just don’t think bout da pain. Remember the time we ate at De’Bennies and you ordered that huge platter of French fries and beat Alexis in an eating battle. Remember how heated he was that he lost to you. Remember that grin you had. Can you give me that same grin? Huh? Can you please, for me….” The smile appears and I feel a little bit of hope is still with him. He will make through it. Ugh is all I hear and I look down to see streamlets of blood as they spew out from in between his braces.
“WHERE THE F**K IS THE AMBULANCE!” I shout. I lay buddy down, head straight. I begin to pump his chest like a bike. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Darkness creeps up around us as his tiny hazel eyes begin to close and just then I see a red light, then a blue light. Then a sound catches my ears; it’s sharp, distracting but I keep going. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Pump. Pump. A hand on my shoulder; a white powered hand here to take him away. Is this god? Please, don’t take him. He needs us, to be with us. I sit and watch as Buddy is moved from Draper Street, to a cold silver table, to a coffin. I watch as they complete the circle of life.
Life is only what we make it to be and Bennett “Buddy” Edwards make our lives. I cry as I watch my best friend, my god brother, my cousin, my little brother as he walks down the hall into the bright white light. “I love you”. Leaves my mouth and my heart.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Life ....

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.

Monday, October 26, 2009


SORRY EVERYBODY !!! i know i haven't blogged in a while .. as you may or may not know I'm in my senior year of high school taken AP classes (meaning LOADS of homework) and dance (MY LIFE) and family ( ) so i haven't had time .. i thought id put up one of my essays I did a couple weeks ago .. tell me what ya think ... its titled: Roller Coaster of Love.

Love can be like a roller coaster. And just when you think you've had enough, and you’re ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round. You change your mind, throw you hands in the air and ride the roller coaster all over again."(Stacey Charter) No matter how much you are in, or out of love with someone, it has its up and down similar to a roller coaster. Just when you think you are done and want out, you get right back on the ride. No matter how nauseous or thrilled you are, you’re never feel it for a long period of time because right around the next bends is a steep drop, twist, or in some events, it the end of the ride.

The difference of loving someone and a roller coaster are quite evident. One being an adjective and the other being a noun is the main difference. Loving someone is a hard task to do because you are in the end willing to give up everything you are and everything you have to be with them because of an emotion. On the other hand, a Rollercoaster is a type of amusement people go through to entertain themselves. Coasters are a temporary commit where you only promise to keep your hands and feet inside the moving vehicle while loving commit is takes more out of you; time, effort, patience. Many would have thought that loving someone and a roller coaster would have nothing in common, nevertheless they are wrong.

Loving someone takes courage. The courage to try some for the first time or in some instances again. At the same time knowing the consequences but doing it for the thrill. The same courage you must have to get into the cart and to keep your eyes open on the ride. It may sound simple but really is much more complex. Just imagine, your relationship starts up heading straight up to cloud nine. You are enjoying the tender kiss of the sun on your cheeks, the safe feeling from the security of the coasters arms wrap around you. Suddenly, you are distracted by the feeling that is taken over your entire body, never noticing it until till it is too late. Out of the blue, its downward fast. As the carts thrash back and forth you are hit with derbies of rumors, ex’s, cheating, lies, betrayal and at the last moment the roller coaster pulls up and it’s all over as fast as it had begun. I can admit to being someone who jump the gun, cut the line, and dodge the guy making sure requirements are made, and ended up taken a 30-foot nose drop crashing into the water of humiliation.

The idea is to wait in line for your turn, be checked out to make sure you’ve accepted the standards of the ride, and lastly feel secure to depart on a life adventure. In some events, you end up getting on the merry-go-round rather than the fast chaotic Superman. While on that ride you find an attractive horse that’s similar to you in every way possible. You take the proper cautions; waiting in line, checking your height, and securing your seat. Once the guy gives the thumbs up you realize that the ride is more then what you expected resulting you to want the ride to last and last; it’s at that moment that you see the sign stating the ride duration: Infinity is all you can see and that sweet kiss of cotton candy on your lips and the butterflies in your stomach flutter around. I have been able to feel such a feeling after falling in love with friend and riding the merry-go-round as long as a year, until the bitter-sweetness ended when the hydraulics, the main component keeping the ride going, had finished resulting in us to go on to different coasters with different people.

Love is a ride that everyone rides, wither that ride be a fast-pace or slow there are always there turns and drops and a wonder to go through. For even being two completely different things they have so many similarities resulting in a metaphorical similarity. In the end, loving someone and a roller coaster are two completely different things but are two of the most common struggles.