&Losing a Buddy

“I’m sorry-“
“No.”
“There was nothing we could do to remove the bullet. It penetrated his heart-
“Please don’t.”
“… causing internal bleeding and we couldn’t do anything to save him. I’m so sorry for your lost.”
Silence falls over the room as the images of blood and sirens fill my head like a water tank; the pressure overwhelming. What is this feeling I'm feeling right now. The pressures no longer in my head but in my knees, they’re tremble with great force as my life falls apart and I sink down into the floor. All I can feel is this pain; a stinging; a hurting like a plane just crashed into me, a feeling indescribable. The feeling was in my chest. All I can do is hold it while the river runs from my eyes on to the shiny marble tiles supporting my body. Buddy is gone, gone from the world. I look around and I see Alexis in Eddy’s arms tears of hatred streaming as he calls out for his brother, his 10 year old brother. I can’t stand to see the sight so I manage to build up my strength to get back on my feet but then I see his face. I see him running to us arms wide open, screaming “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. See. I'm fine.” I catch him in my arms; hug him until I see his pure white shirt. There's a stain; it starts to expand like water spreading over a dry sponge. The stain expands to blood; Buddy grabs his heart. He falls into my arms once again this time staring into my eyes. I'm back on Draper Street.
The car with its bright eyes breathes heavy smoke as it flies away into the night, collar sprouting the colors of a mad man. “Buddy!” I cry hysterically. “Buddy! Come one, stop playing! Look at me. Eddy call 911, he isnt responding.” My entire world is blank. I hear a mummer and place my ears to his mouth and hear “I’m sorry. I won’t ever come back here. I'm so sorry … please … don’t let me go ….”
“Buddy. I aint gonna let you go. You aint gonna die. Trust and believe. Just don’t think bout da pain. Remember the time we ate at De’Bennies and you ordered that huge platter of French fries and beat Alexis in an eating battle. Remember how heated he was that he lost to you. Remember that grin you had. Can you give me that same grin? Huh? Can you please, for me….” The smile appears and I feel a little bit of hope is still with him. He will make through it. Ugh is all I hear and I look down to see streamlets of blood as they spew out from in between his braces.
“WHERE THE F**K IS THE AMBULANCE!” I shout. I lay buddy down, head straight. I begin to pump his chest like a bike. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Darkness creeps up around us as his tiny hazel eyes begin to close and just then I see a red light, then a blue light. Then a sound catches my ears; it’s sharp, distracting but I keep going. Pump. Pump. Pump. Short breath. Pump. Pump. A hand on my shoulder; a white powered hand here to take him away. Is this god? Please, don’t take him. He needs us, to be with us. I sit and watch as Buddy is moved from Draper Street, to a cold silver table, to a coffin. I watch as they complete the circle of life.
Life is only what we make it to be and Bennett “Buddy” Edwards make our lives. I cry as I watch my best friend, my god brother, my cousin, my little brother as he walks down the hall into the bright white light. “I love you”. Leaves my mouth and my heart.

My Life ....

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.